December 3, 2011 I mixed crushed pain pills into a small container of applesauce and began to eat it. I was hoping to die that night. Committing suicide had been my back up plan for years, I just needed my 2 sons to become grownups so that I could finally be free of the pain of living.
I had 2 years of absolute hell…1983 to 1985. April 3rd, 1983 my mother died unexpectedly from a ruptured brain aneurysm. It was Easter Sunday, a holiday that I’ve struggled with ever since. Unable to cope with life, failing out of college, I got into it with my Dad. We both were grieving and didn’t stop to recognize that in each other. My Dad put me out of the house. I was 17 years of age. I went from house to house, always being told that I needed to make it right with my Dad and that I could no longer stay where I was. I ended up staying with a family who had a sexual predator among them and after months of repeated inappropriately touching me and cornering me, he finally found a way to rape me. I lost what remained of me. I had already begun to numb myself from the pain of my mom’s death. Then I needed to also numb losing my dad and siblings. Then I had to numb the feeling that no one wanted me or loved me. Now I felt worthless and it was getting pretty hard to numb it all. But I continued for 29 years, either using drugs or severely depressed. In and out of institutions…rehabs or psychiatric hospitals. I had alienated my family and sons and I was alone…using was pointless now and I wanted to die.
But! I didn’t want to die I just wanted to be out of pain. I somehow (by the grace of God) drove down 7Highway in Blue Springs Missouri for 2 miles to St. Mary’s Hospital to give up and give in.
My clean date is December 4, 2011. I’ve not used again since that fateful night. I am a member of Narcotics Anonymous. I’ve worked the 12 steps. I have a sponsor. I am a sponsor. I do service work in NA and in my community. I have a relationship with a God of my understanding that is spiritual and loving and beautiful. I’ve finally found my purpose in this life and that is to serve others.
I mostly love life today. I practice yoga. I pray. I meditate. I love to read. I love to write. I love to travel. I love to hike. I love being in nature. I dream of walking the Camino, the Way…taking that 500 mile journey of self discovery. I recently started working towards my YTT-200 and would love to teach breath to movement to addicts and those who like me, struggled to breathe’. Life can be tough…really really hard, but I don’t have to use to deal with life nor do I have to check out from life with an option of suicide. If I just keep breathing….slowly inhale, rest at the top of it, slowly exhale, pause, repeat…the moment will pass.
And. I am never alone. My relationship with God as I understand God is … I struggle to find the appropriate word. Wonderful. Beautiful. Loving. Everything. Special. Da bomb.
Amen & Namaste
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