Figuring Out Who I Was All Along

Figuring Out Who I Was All Along

Hello! My name is Jas, but my preferred name is Jace. I was born female but let’s get one thing straight; I was born into the wrong body. I identify as a male. My pronouns are he/him. It all started when I was little. I used to dress in my dad’s clothes when he wasn’t home starting at the age of 8. I used to be so excited to get off the bus just to go into his closet and put on those jeans or shirts who made me feel more confident in my skin.

My grandma Ruth was my favorite person in the whole world. I would say nan “look at me! Don’t I look good”. She would say you are so beautiful no matter what you wear. That went on for a long time. Then my mother caught me peeing like a boy and screamed at me and said, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT. IT’S NOT OKAY.” After that day I was scared that I wasn’t normal.

As I grew up and got older I would go shopping with her and buy boxers and boys clothing. She would never question it. She thought I was just a Tom boy, but then 9th grade came around I had my first relationship with a girl. I identified as a lesbian during that time. My mom found out and was not a fan. She used very derogatory terms. After all that, she refused to talk or look at me for about six months. As I got older I realized I still didn’t know who I was or why I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know what transgender was. I wasn’t educated on anything. I met someone who was FTM and he asked do you feel uncomfortable in your skin? I replied back, “I hate myself”, He told me to go seek out a gender Therapist. I took it upon myself two years ago being 23 and saw the greatest woman of my life who explained to me who I really was.

I wanted to tell my parents, but I just didn’t know how. I struggled for months being so depressed, calling out of work,  and wouldn’t talk to any of my friends. My dad kept asking me what was wrong and I would say, “Nothing. Nothing. Leave me alone.”.  A couple months later I picked myself again and I wrote out a letter explaining who I was along with a PFLAG Pamphlet. I left that day when he read the letter because I couldn’t be around. He texted me and he said he was crying. He said he needed time to process the letter. That night he told me I love you no matter what. I will not disown you. Then, after two days he said we need to have a talk. He and I quote said, “I do not agree with your idea.”. I said this is not an IDEA. This is my life. This is WHO I AM. He said I’m sorry I can’t ever accept my daughter as my son.

I went upstairs I started to pack all of my things and I was going to leave and never look back. He came running upstairs and we were both sobbing he told me he loves me so much as I am. I told him this not about you this about me. He started to send me pictures when I was little and crying. I didn’t know how to respond. After that day he ignored what happened for months and everything got thrown under the rug like it never happened. Eight months went by of not speaking on anything on how I feel. I got a girlfriend last August who is very supportive of who I want to become, but her mother thought I was a lesbian and didn’t want me around. My mother sarcastically said to me I wonder why she doesn’t want you around LOOK AT YOU. In that one sentence my whole world just collapsed.

I called my dad and told him what happened and I thought it was a good time to tell him I am trans and there’s nothing you can do. I told him please come to one therapy meeting with me, so he can at least try to understand. He came finally after me begging for months. He told my Therapist he loves me for me, but does not agree with medical or hormone treatment. At this point in my life I am searching for acceptance and love that I will never get. If we are being honest, I’m a sad person. My whole playlist of songs are deep and depressing. But let me tell you something. I am so strong and I fight everyday to wake up and do what I have to do. I am ready to take that jump and change my life forever. Will my family ride with me? I don’t know, but I guess that’s a chance I’m just willing to take. I hope you enjoyed listening to my story and stay strong for yourself, keep your head up high. I love each and everyone of you. I might not love myself right now, but I know I’m here for a reason and I will learn to love the person I was always meant to be. Thank you for listening and take care.

This story was shared by a human named Jace