finding a beacon of hope

for anyone who is struggling…

I know what it feels like to be alone even when you are surrounded by family or friends who think they know you, but sadly they don’t know the truth about your struggle. A lot of people don’t know my truth of what I have personally faced while growing up and what I continue to struggle with today. It has been a hard fought continuous battle that has changed my life in so many ways; every person deals with trauma in their own way. I guess you could say that I was a late bloomer to really open my eyes and find myself. My greatest wish for anyone, including me, is that you find your beacon of hope that you cling on to that is that light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully something you never let go. You never have to promise anyone anything, maybe promise yourself or make goals to just have hope for one minute / one hour/ one day. Maybe there will be enough hope to want to push for more days and even turn it into goals for the year. No matter what you have faced, know you matter in this world and we live in this world for a reason. We may not know why at first, but as time goes on and we really see what life means to us, sometimes we discover our purpose in unexpected ways and truthfully its a emotional awakening that can sometimes give you a great strength for beacon of hope. Please know that your variation of that thunderstorm will not last forever, at the end of a rainstorm there is always that rainbow. Have hope and courage just to give it time because I can promise you life gets better for a reason.

Coming from someone who has faced various types of bullying and hate shaped me into a person who was scared of consequences from what I said or how I approached situations. To be truthfully honest, I hated myself for letting this be a part of me. When you face these typical struggles on your own, you tend to just let the pain happen in hopes it ends soon and people leave you alone. U couldn’t tell my family the issues I struggled with or what was said to me, and I became more silent as time progressed. When you face verbal, abusive and physical acts of bullying over years as a child it can slowly kill your soul to a point where you feel dead inside. As I got older I felt my negative thoughts intensify and get worse, as I believed everything being said was true. I mean, how do you respond when kids/ teenagers tell you to go kill yourself or say ”this world is better off without you”? Now know that I didn’t have friends who stuck around and had my back, my family knew parts of what I have faced but not the ugly truth of things. Throughout school I had a hard time facing my fears and kept to myself, trying to connect with the wrong crowds that end up breaking me down even more because I forced friendships that were bad for me. I made more mistakes than having any successful moments in high school. I was so scared of doing anything. I look back now and feel I have wasted my life in high school and missed out on a lot.

Fast forward to the end of high school and I’m at a point where I feel the snowball effect of going down hill started. I didn’t respect myself as a individual growing, instead I just beat myself down emotionally and mentally while my anger hurt ones closest to me. I hit such a low point in life where I aggressively thought of worst case scenarios and wished of painful ways to die or to be taken from this world. My mind was truly dark and no one knew or reached out, no one knew who I was and just saw my negative actions that hurt people. I felt completely broken and lost with who I was and didn’t want to deal with my internal struggles with mental health. So in a way, I avoided it and continued with suicide ideation in my head daily. There where days where I dealt with brain fog of not remembering the drive home from work or what I did/said during the day. It got so crazy to a point where I couldn’t remember much of the day, and yet no accidents were caused while driving or something serious. It scared the living crap out of me that I would risk so much and not care what I did or jump into risky situations where something should have happened to me. I look back and still can’t figure out how nothing serious happened. I broke down crying realizing that something or some unexplained reason kept occurring and brought my attention to my internal issues. Slowly but surely I finally faced the truth where I knew I needed help and something was wrong with me. I knew in my heart that I could never end my life in my own hands… it’s hard to explain but every time I thought of it or even raised a weapon in my hands, I thought that in my heart I couldn’t do that, my heart would prevent me from ”pulling the trigger”.

It has taken over 4 years to feel comfortable talking about my mental health and I’m proud to say I have come a long way on growth and finding myself. It was never easy and took time to really face my fears of what has broken and traumatized me that has shaped who I am. In no way does that mean I’m cured at all. I struggle with anxiety that continuously makes everyday an interesting struggle, and also deal with depression that still to this day feels like a dark cloud next to me, but I have grown to find ways to not let my darkness take over. My family has been supportive on a lot when I came out to them after high school and when they knew the truth of my struggles. A weight has been lifted knowing that loved ones know my dark secret. Even as I look back today, I have to say that if I didn’t face those struggles and situations that I have faced, I could have been a different person that is not this bad ass individual; I could have not met the amazing people who came into my life in the most unexpected times of my life that have helped changed me for the better.

I have met amazing individuals who faced tremendous struggles and challenges that have changed their lives forever, and they were the type of people who would do anything for anyone and were the kindest people I have ever met. I have been truly inspired by these individuals who have opened my eyes from different perspectives in life, which teaches us great lessons in life. I love who I am and it may have taken some time to rediscover myself, but I’m even prouder for who I am becoming as time goes on. My goal is to be that person that I didn’t have when I struggled with my issues and to reach out for those who may need a friend nearby or from a distance. So as I tearfully write this as I have shared something so personal to the world – my own struggles – I hope this helps someone who is scared to reach out.

I know it’s scary to reach out and deal with consequences that may be scary but every person, even you, are loved in this world by someone. You may not see it now, but someone will remember or need you in their lives at some point or even now. Don’t give up on struggles that push your limits. I will always be here for people who need a shoulder to cry on or to hear someone talk out their struggles as I get to know them. And it is always a good option to reach out to resources that can do more as they are more familiar on facing struggles and finding solutions to help you.

I hope whoever reads this can feel inspired to promise themselves goals or even just to give it one day of hoping. Hope never dies and it takes courage and strong will that you are here, by you reading this you are proving that your will power is stronger than you realize. Share your hope and hope a chain reaction helps others as well.

Love you all,
V

Submitted by V.