Whew, lets see if I can get this in some sort of a nutshell:
I was raised in a far from typical setting. My parents were never married, hated each other actually. My dad, the Narcissistic, Manipulative, Con Artist, as I so loving like to call him, had sole custody after my mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was 6yrs old at the time and had a 2yr old brother from the same mom (we have different dads). Our dads did NOT get along, so my brother and I only saw each other when my mom was around. Around meaning on her meds and receiving disability as income. It was patchy.
My dad is Persian, born and raised in Iran. He came to the states at 18yrs old. My mother born and raised in Salt Lake City, UT. Persian culture is very controlling over women as some may know. Growing up in Scottsdale, Arizona, of all places, not being able to shave my legs or have ANY of the luxuries the typical 90s/00s Teenybopper had… the word homely comes to mind. But man did I learn some sweet car knowledge, self defense skills, you know tomboy stuff. However, there are a couple things that were definitely NOT okay with my dad.. NO Smoking, Drinking, Tattoos, Piercings, or being GAYYYY. But I don’t have daddy issues. When I was 16 my mom really got it together and fought to mend our relationship. My dad wasn’t too on board, so he left me at a friends house one weekend and I moved in with my mom behind his back. I finally stood up to him and that was the scariest moment of my life.
About a year later, my mom stopped taking her meds. I had many of these experiences with her when I was growing up. But this time, my little brother saw it & he was my responsibility. I packed a bag, threw it over the fence for a friend to pick up. The next day, my brother went home to his dad, I went to work and never looked back. I stayed with friends for a week then went to my Aunt’s, my moms sister. Graduated from a charter high school, transferred jobs from one movie theater to another where I met the love of my life!
We were 17. She was my savior and my first real best friend too. Besides my baby bro of course. We were together for a rocky 13 years and lived together the entire time. She proposed twice, two different rings but we always had an excuse to push back getting married. We were couple goals for sure, at least that’s how everyone else saw us. Turns out I was attracted to Narcissists. May 2016 I turned the big 30! We’re making marriage plans…but for next year.
January 2017, she turned 30! I’m also tracking my ovulation at this time because I’ve been ready to start a family. I was convinced my purpose was to be a mom. But somethings off, she’s obviously distant. March: We decide to take a “break”. It was so complicated. We had a house, 3 dogs: Murphee, Mini & Noodle and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. She was a firefighter who worked 24hr shifts, so I had to stay for the dogs. April: Murphee is really sick & old, we had to put him down. Hardest day. Maybe she’ll lean on me again. Wrong. There was someone else already. She was “just a friend” though… It was a shitty couple of months.
December: I’m out looking at Christmas lights with a friend and I get a bunch of messages from my mom on Facebook messenger. I waited to look because she would send random links all the time after she learned how to. The message was from an anonymous sender, informing me they found my mom dead in her apartment. It had been over a week before anyone thought to check on her. It was her drug dealer/On again off again boyfriend that found her. He called into the police anonymously and they had no way of contacting me. It took 2 brutal days to get all the details.
It was normal that her and I didn’t talk for a few weeks, but I loved her so so much. One of the last texts I got from her was everything I needed and nothing what I expected from her during my break up. She had such a beautiful soul, her strength was unstoppable when she had her mind right & She’s the ONLY person that didn’t take advantage my kindness.
Her cause of death at 57 was Accidental “Suicidal” Overdose. I wasn’t upset because I knew how much she needed to be free of that ugly, torturing mental disability. And if it wasn’t for the worry of ending up like her, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I kept my mind right by any means necessary. Thanks to The Secret, self reflection, and self reassurance that I’m not crazy. I’m a good person dammit. Turns out I’m a Natural Healer/Fixer, Empath, and Spiritual Witch. I just own it now.
It took me a year and a half to move out of living with my ex after breaking up. UGH.
Since July 2018 I’ve lived with 3 different friends. Lots of freedom and lots of drama. Nothing short of a Telenovela. Dating was far from my thoughts. I was so out of the game and awkward. Not to mention all the insecurities from the narcs in my life. But I always said I would fall in love with a PERSON so I tried hanging out with a couple guys. Eh. December 2019 I met this girl on a dating site. She made me see myself differently- Empowered & Beautiful. Three months later, I experienced her first full blown panic attack. What a nutter butter that one was. “Call your mom”, I said, “you’re going home tonight!”
Then I went right into a 6 week quarantine. TikTok was my chosen hobby. I finally FULLY broke out of my shell, almost overnight. My passion, drive, vision is extremely clear, and I’m just so happy!
I’ve owned my own business for a over a year now as a Nail tech of 10 years. I work with the most creative, supportive, strongest group of individuals, who refuse to let you fail. Our vibe and our shop; Dope. Our Motto: The Hustle Never Sleeps. Good/Uncensored music, Community, Culture, Respect and so much LOVE is what we are all about! I could go on. I’m currently saving for my own place in the Downtown/Arcardia/Coronado area. Close to work has been my goal. Just Me and Noodle- My Certified Emotional Support Chihuahua/Pug. #ChugLife.
As a Taurus I crave validation, but I finally realized I needed to be my own biggest fan first. I’m just so thankful that I didn’t let myself down. No matter WHAT!
Songs that I FELT:
This is Me, Keala Settle + Greatest Showman
Gaslight, Snow tha Product
Don’t Start Now, Dua Lipa