Stories · Mar 05, 2021

To be vulnerably honest

Name: Nikita Lotter

Pronouns: She/her

In the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life?

I am nearly 33. I feel like a total stranger to the person I was 5 years ago.

I always felt and believed that I had to be hard and work stuff out for myself, in my head. Looking for someone who made me feel worthy or good. Work out every possible outcome of an action before making a decision. And never share what I really feel, what I’m scared or unsure of. Fake it.

Usually that process was so exhausting, pointless and frustrating that I’d give up on it and make a terrible decision, get into unhealthy relationships and make myself way more unhappy, though I had no idea at the time.

My anxiety ruled all. A compulsive need to distract myself with sport or exercise or anything except, looking at what I was doing.

What I’ve learned and what has changed my world is this:

Only you can make you happy, or feel loved, or good enough.

Wherever you go, there you are!

Being real, being vulnerable is the most courageous thing you will ever do.

When you take the time to know yourself, what you want and need, the frantic desire to control all outcomes goes away.

Once you’re on the road to being the person you want to be, it all comes easily. Including the right person who sees you, and is growing too.

Society and the world ask us to be a certain way, that to be soft or vulnerable or to ask for help is to be weak. I have finally understood that it’s the opposite and I hope to be able to share that with as many people as possible.

Forever growing!!