Coming out of the closet
I have always known I liked girls. I had quite a few interactions with that feeling in high school. But growing up in a Christian home was not the ideal situation to say, “Hey, Im gay!” I didn’t have a lot of approval from my family growing up anyways. I was the black sheep. I did things the way I felt. However, I always fought to get my family’s attention. Including marriage with a guy which didn’t even last 10 months. My sex drive wasn’t there and I was always including a girlfriend in that relationship or being open with that guy saying hey I like women too. It would just never last.
I was sooo confused. I had a lot of struggle staying on my own two feet. I was losing myself and I wanted to hide in the closet forever. I was numbing myself with drugs. I attempted suicide so many times. I was falling and falling hard. I don’t know what happened, but one day I woke up and said to myself, “This can’t be my life. This can’t be what God has in store for me.” I realized I had to help myself before anyone else could. I had to love me.
I came out to my mom first. It was easier than I thought because she had disowned me years before for other reasons. But, all she was worried about is me telling my grandfather. Which at the time, he was a preacher and dying of cancer. I was so scared because he was the only person in my life that mattered. I loved him so very much. He loved me for me, his Andrew. My nickname he gave me. Before I could tell him, my mom had already gotten on the phone and told him. I was disappointed. I wanted to call him myself, but I think my mom was just trying to get one on me by making him hate me for being gay. I ended up calling him. I was shocked by his response, “You know my beliefs, but you are still my Andrew and I love you.” He died months after this. I lost the one person that truly knew everything about me and still loved me for me. My mom and dad aren’t in the picture for other reasons. After coming out, it was like a whole new me showed up. I was happy, free and I didn’t have to be scared any more. Coming out made me stronger. It made me realize no matter who you need approval from, that isn’t as important as getting approval from yourself first. I know my grandfather agrees… Now, I am engaged to the most beautiful soul I could have ever met. I have a beautiful family and I built that. I’m sooo happy with me. I Am Enough. I am who I am and no one can change that.