I will never forget the way I felt 15 years ago, standing on a scale in front of my grandmother and the doctor. At first, I didn’t want to get on it. I even told the doctor that I already knew how much I weighed and that I didn’t need to get on the scale.
But she insisted.
I remember looking back at my grandmother and thinking,
“Oh god, this is it, this is when everyone finds out how much I weigh, this is where I will know how much I weigh.”
That scared me to death.
So I got on the scale.
I could see the look of concern on my grandmothers face. “No 12 year old should ever weigh that much.” But I did.
The car ride home was unbearable. My grandmother was trying to talk to me about different diet plans to put me on, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc. She rambled on about how we’re going to get this weight off. I just remember thinking, “I don’t feel like 200 pounds. That scale must have been wrong.”
That year in middle school was absolute hell for me. I was bullied almost daily. Things like walking down the isle of the school bus and hearing “fat pig coming through” can really take a toll on an adolescent. After a couple years of bullying, I did what I thought I needed to do to lose the weight. I stopped eating.
As much as I loved food, I told myself that I was only allowed to eat dinner each day and when the weight comes off, is when I could go back to eating “normal” again. Well sure enough, 5 months later, I had lost 40 pounds by not eating. I felt good. For the first time, I felt skinny.
Over the next 5 years all the “normal” eating I was doing put the 40 pounds back on and I was back where I started. Except, I didn’t see myself as overweight. I made up excuses like, “I’m bloated” or “I must have put these jeans in the dryer, thats why they’re so tight.” I went through emotional roller coasters with previous ex’s making me feel insecure and have low self-esteem. I thought I was pretty, but they saw otherwise.
Soon, I started to see what they saw.
Fast forward to age 20. I was just diagnosed with high blood pressure, and an anxiety disorder. I weighed 200 pounds on the dot. I was put on high blood pressure medication, anti-depressant, and anxiety medication. I lived that life for six months.
After 6 months of that I decided enough was enough. I sought out help from a nutritionist. They gave me a very specific plan to follow to help lose weight, it taught me so much about how to eat. This was a game changer for me because it forced me to look at labels. The 6 months and hundreds of dollars I spent on learning from him was the best decision I could have made. Its what has kept me fit for the last 7 years. It has taught me how to live and sustain this healthy lifestyle. It has change my life.
I still love food just as much as I did when I was 12, but I know better now, so I do better.