Feeling Impossible

Name: Jessica Baxley
Pronouns: She/her
Instagram: SearchingNvrLnd

Me. Where to even start. Lost is all I felt for a really long time. Lost in who I was, where I was going and so much more. One day I was scrolling through YouTube and Shannon Beveridge popped up. I watched so many of her videos, seeing how happy she was with her girlfriend.

Then was when it hit me like a ton of bricks, full force into my chest. I couldn’t breath. My head was so quickly connecting all the dots. And so much started to make sense. When I started high school my best friend and I met, she likes 3 years older than me, but we met through horses. And let me tell you, I didn’t know what I felt and it took my head for a whirl. And then we got closer. One night we played spin the bottle. We kissed. And it opened my eyes. There was nothing I wanted more than to have what Shannon had.

We were friends with benefits for a while, this big secret nobody knew. Then she got a boyfriend, got pregnant, and that was that. No more, but the feelings, oh the feelings. They were still there clear as day, but nobody knew. I had a boyfriend, like a cover up of who I was supposed to be. I fought myself, hating my self, feeling so lost. I wanted love, a love like everyone else had. But all I had was me fighting my identity. I hated myself. Why did I have to be gay. Why? My family isn’t gonna love me that way? People are gonna judge me? All these thoughts flying through my head.

Flash forward like 3 years. My best friend’s daughter is now 3. Seeing my best friend love someone else killed me. But slowly I got over it and just let myself be alone…Then life changed, my younger sister wanted to go to pride. I had never been and honestly never really knew about it (so if I have anyone to thank for who I am now it would be her). We went. We bumped into this little booth called Only Human and that was it. I fell into a community full of love and acceptance. Walking into that booth changed so much for me. It finally gave me a place I could be myself and learn who I was. I found people who were just like me. They had once been lost, but were found, and proud. They gave me a confidence I never thought was possible.

Finally, I was ready. I joined a dating site and for once wasn’t terrified to put gay. And I did. This cute girl in a plaid shirt caught my eye. I went back and forth so many times looking at her profile trying to get the courage to say hi. And there was the notification. She said hi. And that “Hi” was all it took. Falling for her was a whirlwind and the love I had always looked for. Only human gave me the chance and the fight I needed to push myself to be happy. Here I am so deeply in love, MARRIED, something I never thought would of happened. The woman of my dreams swept me up and I couldn’t be happier. Life gets better, you just have to learn to let yourself be you. And finally I let myself be me. I’m free.

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