Grown from the Past

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Hi there,
thanks for encouraging me to tell my story. You’ve been role models since I started following you and helped me to finally come out.
So here’s my Story.

I was born in the early 80’s. 12 Days after I was born my beloved cousin came into this world so we were raised together. Sometimes people thought we were siblings (which was insane because we don’t even looked like each other). I can’t remember my childhood very much, but I know, that with the birth of my Brother, 4 years later, everything changed for me.

When he was born, I was no longer interesting for my parents. I was left alone almost the whole time, they just didn’t cared about me anymore. During that time my Grandma was the one who cared. She brought me to Kindergarten and picked me up, cooked and was spending her time with me.

When I came to Elementary School at 6 years old, I was bullied from the beginning. I was fat, looked ugly, had problems to find friends and was just not like the other kids. Every day was a torture. I also started playing Handball (I retired 8 Years ago). Same here, until the End. Always the weird one, who nobody wants to have on the Team.

And then something happened, which I never told anybody before (until today!).
One Day, I think I was around 7 years old, I was going to get some Ice Cream just around the Corner. I met another Kid from school on my way back. He was a bit older than me. He lure me into a bush and abused me. I came back home crying and wanted to tell my Mum, the answer when I asked if I could tell her something was: I don’t have time for you! I fell in silence and never ever talked about it.

After 4 years in Elementary School I had to go to the Secondary School. But nothing changed, new Kids same Torture. I was bullied because I was listening to the “wrong” Bands, I was wearing the wrong clothes and so on. Same game, day in and day out. The only difference was, I finally found a couple of friends. But still I didn’t have any attention back home. When my grades were getting pretty bad my parents told me that it’s my problem and I have to fix this by myself. They threatened me to send me to a Boarding School far away without friends and family. Somehow I made it by my own and my grades got better.

I can remember there was this Holiday in the Mountains we shared with Friends of my Dad. We were sitting around in a restaurant. From out of nowhere my Mum told me that they never wanted me. They just wanted my Brother. She said it in front of everybody sitting on that table with a smile on her Face. It hit me full force. First I thought she´s joking, but she really meant it. I was 12 years old.With 13 I was looking for a job during the Holidays. Together with my cousin I started working in a Foam Factory, where my Aunt also worked. Lucky we’d been, we were allowed to continue working there at the Weekends. With the money I earned, I was forced to buy myself the clothes that I wanted and stuff that I needed. With no support. I had that job until I finished school when I was 16.

I started an Education as an Assistant to Doctors which lasted 3 Years. From that Day on I also had to take care of buying groceries and beverages by myself. The problem was: I bought it, they took it. In Professional School I again had not much friends. But I wasn’t bullied anymore. Back then I met my best friend. We went through thick and thin. I was spending more time at her home (which was around 40km away) then at mine. For her Mum I was like a second daughter, an addition to her family.

That was also the time when I realized that I was different. People I was surrounded of also realized it and started to talk about me behind my back. They started spreading rumors. My Mum was one of them. I denied it all the time. My job wasn’t going very well, I got a new boss (after only 6 months my former boss decided to sell his Doctor’s Office). He was weird, sometimes he gave me a slap on the face and laughed. But I also made it through the Education and worked for 3 more years at his office. When I turned 22 I still was denying my sexuality. One day, my best friend and I were arguing so much that we finally ended our friendship. I cried for days. I didn’t really understood why it was over. Actually there was no reason, except, she met the wrong people.

To that time my Great-Grandmother died. It was a big loss for me. She was one of two people who cared about me. I can’t even remember her face. It used to happen, that with 24 I had my first self paid vacation. A former Co-Worker invited me to Hawai’i where she was studying. I arrived on my Birthday and for the first couple of days we had a really good time. Then her former boyfriend appeared. He didn’t liked me. So one morning when I came to the kitchen he had written “who wants to penetrate fat girls” on the fridge.

I knew he meant me, and from that day on I wasn’t able to enjoy this holiday any longer. I no longer was spending time with her (cause she wanted to spend time with him) and again was by my own, in a strange country with an island full of strangers.
With 26 I met some people on Concerts and we became friends. We decided to go on a Trip to San Francisco/Las Vegas/L.A. . One night, on the way to LV, one of them started to blame me for something without any reason. She was hurting me so much, that I wanted to leave as soon as we arrived LV. I stayed, but it wasn’t a good time. After we came back home, our ways separated. We are no longer friends.

With 29 years at age my nephew was born. From day one on, I was responsible for Babysitting (without being asked). I was spending my days and sometimes nights. I cancel shifts I had to work at the Movie Theater (in the meantime that became a part time job), I canceled Nights out with friends. Never heard a thank you. During the same year, shortly before Christmas, my Grandmother died. The one person who raised me up, who cared about me more than my own parents. I was desperate. The saddest thing is, that I can’t remember her either. I don’t even have any Pictures of her.

My Dad couldn’t wait and was already planning the modification of the house, now that she died. Only 2 days after her funeral I flew to Australia for 4 Weeks. It was Christmas Time and I really enjoyed it so much, but with the loss of my Grandma, I also was lost. I missed her so much and still do. Coming back home from Australia I was forced to ask my bank for a credit because my Dad couldn’t and didn’t wanted to wait any longer. The Modification went forward and they acted like nothing had happened.

After my now Ex-Sister-In-Law moved in and finally married my Brother, I decided to move out. I wanted to find my own place. And I did. A little while before I moved out, I had my first Knee Surgery. No one was there to bring me to the Hospital and pick me up again. I had to go there and get back home by train. Same when I had the second one 3 years ago. When I moved out, still recovering, there was nobody of my family to help. Only five friends showed up. Back then I already was 32 years old. I was hurt, I started to struggle with my life more than I’ve ever expected.

I found out, that my Mum, my Mum’s Sister and her daughter, and my Brothers (Ex-)Wife were spreading rumors about me. They were telling it to everyone who wanted to hear. They never asked “are you gay”, they just said so. I denied, still.
After 13 Years my former best friend contacted me on Facebook. But it took us 2 more Years to finally meet again.When she came to my apartment, it was like this 15 Years without contact never existed. I met her family again and her Mum told me, she’s having the feeling, like a lost daughter came home. Unfortunately she lost her battle to cancer 2 weeks ago.

Last year my Cousin and her Husband decided to buy a House. They asked my Dad if he would sell the house and he agreed. He asked my brother and me to buy a new house together and to move in as a family. Pretty quickly I found out, that my Dad just wanted me to take another credit (I’m still paying for the Modification), so that my brother don’t have to pay to much on his. And of course, it would be cheaper for them, because I have to pay the most of it. I left that project.

From that day on, I wasn’t told anything. They finally found a house. I wasn’t considered in the Heritage, which I actually don’t want when my parents die one day. They didn’t pay me out, like it’s usually done between siblings. I was hurt again in so many ways.

I was struggling and thinking about letting anything go, commit suicide. I thought, if nobody’s there for me, nobody cares about me, it would be better to leave. Gladly I didn’t.

In August of 2017, I started to follow you on Instagram. From the first Posts you influenced me. I started to grow my self-confidence, which honestly never wasn’t really there. But I still wasn’t ready to accept who I am, who I was.

And then my best friend was blaming me for being me. She was kind of washing my head in a very brutal way and told me that I have to change. All the memories came back up again. But this time, I was true to myself. I told myself either the people accept me for who I am and what I am or they should leave. I no longer denied who I was, that I was gay, that this is the true me. I now am true to myself, I respect myself. 2 days later I came out to a close friend. He supported me in any possible way, so that I had the courage in continuing to come out to others. Coming out to my 2 best friends was the hardest, but best I did. They admire my strength and courage to finally come out.

I never told my parents I am gay. They found out after a post. My dad can’t look me in the eyes anymore. At the moment, I don’t have any contact to my family. Visiting my cousin’s parents last week, they told me that they always felt so sorry for me. They told me, my parents never wanted me. That they always wanted a boy. That this is the reason why they never cared about me. My Mum brought me to my grandmother early in the morning with my baby bottle in her hand, so that she could go back to bed. My Grandma tried her best to raise me up. My Aunt and Uncle are the first of my family telling me, that they care about me and that I’m always welcome. It had to wait 38 Years to hear that.

Despite all of this, I was always there for my family (financial, with all my heart and soul, my time). It didn’t matter how much and often they were hurting me. I never got anything in return, not even a thank you. I never was told that anybody loves me.
So many “Friends” came into my life and left. Most of the time I was alone.
Today I’m glad to have my 3 best friends. Don’t know what I would do and where I would be without them.

In late 2017 it all changed. I completely changed. Until today I lost 20kg of weight. I no longer care what people think and say about me. My self-confidence has grown so much. To come that far I had to go through the worst and darkest time of my life.
There still are these days I don’t feel well and cry, but they go by and the sun will shine again. Now is the time that I care about me. I will not let them hurt me any longer. I stay to myself, I’m true to myself. I am proud to be who I am today.

Thanks to you. I’ll be forever grateful.

Story submitted by Tanja