Four years ago when I came out, I really didn’t know what to expect. At the time I thought I had an idea of how certain people would react. (and in my mind I told myself f*** those people who had something to say) But I would be lying if I said I didn’t care what people thought of me because I’m HUMAN and I want to be accepted. I want to loved, even if it seems I could careless.
It hasn’t been easy coming out. I’m judged, looked at different, especially from a relationship standpoint. I’ve heard a lot of different reactions “You don’t look like a lesbian.”, “ You’re too pretty”, “You’re GAY?”, “You just have to wait for the one.” I try not to react back in anyway, but it can be frustrating sometimes.
Another reaction that I got a lot of….was that I was just having a hard time and needed/ wanted attention. I promise that coming out wasn’t/ isn’t for attention. Coming out is terrifying, especially when you have no idea how people are going to react. I had this vision in my mind of how certain people would react, like I said, but you still have no idea how your parents or siblings can react. Personally it came as bit of a shock to my family, who were 100% accepting, but most of my friends weren’t really surprised. Coming out isn’t for attention. And I’m sorry to the many many people who have been told this when they come out. Coming out was finally letting my family into this secret I was holding on to for so long. I wanted the opposite of attention, because why would I or anyone want people talking about my personal sex life. Why would I put (what at the time felt like) this burden upon myself. Why would I want the people I hear making gay jokes, to now make fun of me. I didn’t ask to be gay, I just am. I’m not one who likes to be the subject of discussion.
Looking back, in high school, it was always in front of me, but I just think that time in my life many things were changing and admitting I was different wasn’t an option. I wasn’t comfortable in my body, I gained a lot of weight for the first time in my life. I finally hit the heaviest I probably ever was sophomore year and I wasn’t sure if i was sad or just confused. I had lots of teachers always asking me if I was okay and I would just say yes because I really didn’t want anyone to learn my secret. I just went along with the flow of what was going on and didn’t want to throw anything crazy in the mix. I don’t think I was ready or comfortable with my sexuality enough in high school to have come out during those years. And it still took me three years after leaving high school to finally do it. I do think there could’ve been people I trusted, but I wanted it to go away. I truly thought there was something wrong with me. I think I wanted to beg for help, but never once asked for it out-loud. So I decided to just go along with what ever other girl in high school thinks about, BOYS. I dated, and don’t get me wrong, I didn’t date someone as a cover. I truly was emotionally attached to the relationships I had before I came out. I cared, and actually dated someone for two years. When that relationship ran its course, I was heart broken. Seriously, I was crushed. It was a first serious relationship and I gave so much time and effort into it and doing everything I could to make it work. But in the back of my mind, I knew that it wasn’t going to last forever, I knew it was a high school relationship at the end of the day. And learned so much from it, and am so thankful for where it has lead me to today. High school was fun at times, and sad at times, and throughout it met some incredible friends, including some teachers, but I’m so happy I’m no longer hiding from myself or anyone else.
I certainly have been lucky on the end of my family accepts me and loves regardless of who I love. I got to marry my best friend this year and share this life with her. She finally showed me how someone should treat me, and how I should be loved. When I share personal things, she shows me compassion. She shows me how she is my family and will always be there when I need to vent, cry or laugh. Meeting her has changed my life for the better. She is the very best part of me. With her by my side, anything seems possible. The love she shows me each and everyday is more than I could’ve ever wish for my whole life. Every time I see her, my heart just pounds faster. The way her family has accepted me as her person and has made me always feel like I belong. Loving her is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. She is always there for me. As a friend, a partner and the love of my life. She’s my home.