On 8-27-17 I posted on my Instagram, sharing that within the past couple of days it's hit me as to how happy I am to be alive. Growing up, I never truly felt like I had a purpose in this world, and knew that my family would struggle with finding out that I was a lesbian. I was the black sheep of the family. I was picked on, and bullied tremendously throughout school for not showing interest in the common things like having a boyfriend, or wanting to fit in; the kids who picked on me the most were the "cool kids" in school, so I had zero interest in wanting to be friends with them anyway. I contemplated suicide for the first time when I was 13. I wrote down all of the possible ways, along with letters to my family - apologizing for being different. I guess I always struggled with not truly feeling worthy. I didn't feel worthy of being alive. As I got older I continued to battle these inner thoughts and feelings. And, every so often something would trigger that sense of worthlessness.
My last attempt was November 28th of 2015. I was home visiting my family from Graduate School. I hadn't seen them in awhile and I was so happy to be home. I was excited to see my parents, the dogs, and my younger brother. This visit was supposed to be a get away from the stress of school. We had all been out celebrating one of my little brothers friends birthdays, until one of the boys started calling me a dyke, and saying horrible things, I had rode to the place with these guys, and he was trying to talk the rest into leaving me there. Saying he was embarrassed to be seen with me.
I decided to leave the place we were at without saying goodbye, and walked all the way home. I cried the entire walk, thinking about how much I hated my existence, I hated that I couldn't help being gay, but I couldn't force myself to be with a man. My parents realized I was gone, and immediately went home. They walked in just as it was about to happen. My mom who had once told me to leave their house being for being gay, and to never contact my family again - saved my life that night. The next few days/months were very emotional. Still to this day I get emotional about that night. If she had walked in a split second later, I wouldn't be here.
The Stay; campaign is incredibly near and dear to my heart, and it means so much to me. I'm literally crying as I'm typing this. Life is worth living. Life is worth staying. Because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be here today living my best life.
Thank you, for reading my story. Thank you, for staying.
Story submitted by @Cecilia_Learose
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