Winter of 2011 was the first time I thought about ending my own life. I was just sitting in my room, and the thought came to me. I have not had a bad life in any means. I’ve had a normal childhood, parents who love me and have given me amazing opportunities, a brother who will help me and give me advice, and a husband who loves me more than anything. But seasonal affective disorder doesn’t care who you are and it is a very serious thing that I did not realize.
Now a little backstory, back in high school I realized I got sad after Thanksgiving and my mood didn’t lighten up until Spring started full effect. When I was a senior in high school for some reason it hit hard. I can not tell you why it did, but that year I was pretty insecure about my weight. And that was the year I stopped eating. On top of that, I was already sad. I was pretty deep in my mind. I only ate dinner so my parents wouldn’t say anything but it was a very small helping. My friends noticed I wasn’t eating. My weight at the worst of this was 108 pounds, my hip bones and rib cage were poking out. There would be times where I would wake up and wish I had never woken up. And this was the first year I had thought about taking my own life.
I finally was able to climb out of the mental hole of not eating. It took over a year and a half of my life. I went to college and started gaining weight. People started to tell me that I looked healthy. But that is only one part of my story. I’m eating now, and I may not always be healthy but at least now I’m feeding my body.
Throughout college, I was still getting down and not wanting to get out of bed. The overwhelming feelings of sadness, emptiness, and just plainly being unmotivated were all the things I got pretty used to around the wintertime. It was still hard to get out of bed and do a daily task such as go to classes, do homework, shower, etc. Still, the thoughts of taking my own life would creep in. I never decided to act on it because it was never a point on a map, really the thoughts sat in my mind and they were like a glowing exit sign. Never bad enough for me to act on but they were there.
I NEVER thought I would make it to my college graduation. Now I can say “I made it”.
Story submitted by Lainey.