My Coming Out Story

Name: Kapua Silva
Pronouns: She/her
Instagram: Kapua_silva

A lot of people have different stories of how they came out, this is mine..

I’ve always knew in the back of my mind that I felt something different when I was about 13-14 years old, but I was in a Christian environment, my parents being active members, my siblings went to the same church, and myself active in the church youth group. In 10th grade during class I got an email (yes, the old way of texting lol) from one of my close friends saying that she was into me, for that one second I knew I was gay, for that one second I was who I’ve wanted to be, for that one second I was me. After that one second, sadly that’s when the burden on my shoulders piled up, that’s when my anxieties started to build up, that’s when FEAR took over my life.

Trying to live two lives is really difficult and can take a toll on someone. There’s that one person that everyone accepts and has no worries for you because you’re perfect with that perfect smile. On the other side, is someone that’s screaming behind that smile, wanting to come out, wanting to live her life freely, knowing that she is accepted for who she is, and it’s okay.

It was a real struggle throughout high school, my parents caught me many times, talking to girls, having a phone that they never knew I had, trying to hide the gay. I’ve had a lot of bible studies, a lot of meetings with “used to be” gay Christian people, a lot of face to face with the preacher, a lot of hands praying over me to pray away the gay. When my parents were sleeping, there I am in my room, in darkness, alone, crying, trying to end my life, feeling like there’s no hope.

After high school until I turned 22 I was still living with my parents, trapped having more and more anxieties, FEAR, and feeling helpless. One day it hit me, enough is enough. With a bunch of support from my day ones, I was able to be free from being trapped.

Now being free doesn’t mean that I was totally free from everything. I wanted my family to love me for who I was, I wanted them in my life, I wanted them to accept me, I just wanted them to make me feel wanted.

About 8 years past with ups and downs, but a lot of downs when it came to my family. Until one day, my sister texts me out of no where, and said no matter what, she will still love me endlessly. That was the start of me rebuilding myself, yes it was only one person in my family, including her kids, but that made a huge impact on my life.  They made me feel accepted.

I met my wife in 2013, from then on I committed myself to be more open with my family and pray to God that love will win. In 2016, I married her. Didn’t tell them we were married until 3 months later. That dial tone was the longest wait I’ve ever experienced. Told the news to my parents, again, they were in tears and doubting what I did. 2017 was a struggle. Last year Christmas (2019), I heard the sweetest sound from my dad and probably the best Christmas I could ever ask for. His words were “I love you GUYS”. Tears were falling from my face, my wife asked “are you okay?”. I told her “that BURDEN, that FEAR, my ANXIETIES, are GONE”. It was GONE! From that day on, my days were brighter than ever, my smile was genuine, I felt FREE! My family finally loves me for me!

This was a long one, but I hope it can help at least one person who I know, I was, in their shoes. You are you, you are awesome, you are not alone. I love you! You got this!

Happy coming out day to everyone! Love ALWAYS wins!

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