My Lives

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My coming out story is really two stories. I live two completely separate lives because for me, it’s not safe to fully and truly be who I am. To my family I am just a girl that is on the rebellious side; short haired, opinionated, and distant. They are often asking me if I have met the right ‘man’ yet and in full truth I tell them no. They often make very homophobic comments which leave me uncomfortable and extremely sad. Even today, one of my brothers was talking about how in his counseling class he will have to speak about homosexuality. He was voicing his distain and disgust on the subject and how his girlfriend told him that he still needs to love homosexuals because that is what the bible says. What he said to me next shook me to my core. He said that ‘his shotgun loves them (homosexuals) too’. I know he meant it in a joking manner and would never actually act that phrase out, but for me, sitting across our dining room table and hiding that very fact of being gay, was honestly a heart stopping moment. Sadly, that was not the first time nor I doubt the last time that I have and will hear phrases like that from my family. This is my first ‘life’ that I live.

My second life is one of complete opposite. It is my favorite of the two because I can just be me. No hiding, no scrambling to figure out a way to change the subject, and most importantly, no lying. I have a handful of friends that know exactly who I am and who accept me for being me and it is the most refreshing feeling I have ever felt. To just be able to be who I am without fear. I keep my first life and my second life completely separate. I make sure they never intersect. I have a taste of what life is like to be true to myself and my greatest desire is to be able to combine my two lives and the people in them. To have my family accept me. That is a world I wish for myself. I have yet to figure out a way in which I don’t lose anyone. If I choose my first ‘life’ I am choosing to deny my true existence. If I choose my second ‘life’ I will be leaving behind every single one of my family members because I know deep down they will never be able to fully accept me without question and will try to change me.
These are my lives. My two worlds in which I live. My coming out story is not complete. I don’t know when or even if I will fully come out. In a perfect world I wouldn’t have to choose between my lives. I would just be able to live.