Set yourself free

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If you’ve ever read the book “We Are Human Angels,” I would say it was written for me. I’m sure others could say the same, but it really hit home for me. Read it if you haven’t! It’ll help if you consider yourself a healer or empath.

All my life since I can remember, I’ve worked so incredibly hard to be the person anyone could go to for anything. I’ve always felt the need to care for others and heal them if in any way possible even if it hurt me in the process. From just putting a smile on their face for a second, to helping them overcome an enormous life battle. Over the years, I’ve questioned myself and wondered if I was “too” nurturing, loving, helpful, passionate, emotional… “Too much” of what I consider to be myself. I found myself suffering loss over and over from the time I was a small child until now at 26 years old. I saw terrible things growing up.. Drugs, abuse, death, betrayal, suicide, abandonment and so on. At 5 years old, I witnessed my brother come home after doing God knows what kind of drug and I remember my life flash before my eyes when he started beating our mother right in front of me. I screamed for him to stop and how much I loved them. I screamed this until he ran out of the house. It was awful. All I could think of at 5 was to scream “Please, I love you and I love her.. please stop..”
At that age, I learned that even people who love you can hurt you.

At 11 years old, my mom decided to pack all of her things and disappear. The only thing left behind was a voicemail saying she wanted nothing to do with me and that I should be with someone else. All I could think about was how hard I worked to love her through her bad relationships and be the light in her life when I’d see her crying so bad she couldn’t breathe on the bathroom floor every night. I wondered how she could leave me like that. I loved her. I needed her.

At 12, she came back and I was ecstatic. One month before my 13th birthday she told us that she had cancer but would be fine. At 13, 4 months after the diagnoses, she left us forever. I was so young. She was my world. My mom was gone. Just when we finally started really bonding. That’s when I formed terrible trust issues. I was young and believed everything. I was told over and over she wasn’t going to die until the day I saw her go. Everyone lied to me. I wasn’t expecting it. I thought my life was ending and I was made to stay with different people at different times. None of the places were healthy for me. That’s when the abuse started. I won’t go into detail, but at about 14/15, I tried to take my own life. It was the only way out for me that I could see at the time. I wanted to leave this world because I felt like my world was crumbling, everyone was leaving me, and I was in a very unhealthy place in my life. I needed out. Through all of the things that were happening, I never felt any anger towards anyone. I kept the love I had inside and continued to try to love everyone including the people who were hurting me. I wanted to love them so that they would change their hearts. I continued to deal with abuse and hidden depression that was dealt with by self harming until I was about 17/18 when I could drive and get away. Finally, I had a way out. I got so much courage from this freedom. I decided around this age that I would come out as a lesbian. What I was feeling at this time was the most amazing feeling of my entire life. I was free to go and do what I wanted, I was free to love who I wanted, I was finally able to be me. I used this feeling to empower others. I dedicated my every day to helping others become happy and free and to just be themselves.

Since then, I’ve made it an obligation to treat everyone with love, respect, and happiness. I love with my heart wide open and there are no limitations on that. I love people through their hard times just as much as their good times because under it all, we really are only human and everyone handles life in a different way and deserves just as much love and acceptance as anyone else. At 25, I made he hardest decision of my whole life. That was to pack up and leave everything I know back in Southern California and move out here to Atlanta. I left my niece and nephew who are my whole life out there. I had to do this though. I knew I needed a change and needed to be the best me that I could be. The 25th year of my life was one of the most difficult years ever. I was alone. No family, no friends, just me. Starting over and taking a huge risk to be happy and live a full life. I experienced a terrible relationship that failed and as I was going through that, I received the news that my moms best friend died. This was my second mom basically. She knew my mom like the back of her hand. This hit me like no other. The one lifeline I had to my mother was gone. I lost myself through this and the breakup and the move. I struggled so much that the thought of suicide approached again.

My best friend actually saved my life one night. If she would have been 5 minutes later, I wouldn’t be here writing this. This scared me more than anything. I went into a deep depression and then one day my niece called me. She told me how much she loved and missed me and it was like these words blew the life right back into me. I knew I was here for a reason. I am meant to help and heal and be a light for everything and everyone. I am definitely what they call a “healer.” People come to me broken, and I try to heal them. Once they leave because they don’t need me anymore, I’m left completely broken. I couldn’t leave my responsibility to spread love in the world. God gave me this gift so that I could make a small dent in a world so cold. I’d be so wrong to give that back to him. I question what I’m doing a lot but I always snap back to reality (“Oh, there goes gravity. Oh, there goes rabbit, he choked he’s so mad but he…”) Crap, sorry for the Eminem reference… Anyway lol, I realize that no matter how many people leave or how bad I hurt, I wouldn’t change myself for the world.

I’ve been learning how to deal with people leaving in healthier ways now too and that’s taken a lot of weight off my shoulders. I can’t give all of this up because if I do, I’d be letting God and everyone I love down. I’d be letting myself down. I decided then that I would continue to do what I’m great at no matter what. Now at 26, I am slowly getting it together. I bought a home here outside of the Atlanta area, I have a decent job, a car, fur babies, and my life. I have people who love me at home in California and a few great friends here in Georgia who love me. I don’t have a perfect life, but I love this life and I couldn’t leave it and the people who matter. This is some of my story and although it may be a little depressing at times, it’s also incredibly inspiring to me because it shows how much a person can go through and still keep genuine love in their hearts. I show myself everyday how strong I am and I will always continue to push myself in life. We are all so incredibly strong and deserve so much love and acceptance. We are all “Only Human.” Let’s treat everyone as that.


Story Submitted by Kaela