Jaime Filer

Unstoppable Force

In Storiesby Jaime FilerLeave a Comment

“Cause I could use a hand sometimes
Yeah I could use a hand sometimes
They say ‘Pain is an illusion
This is just a bruise and
You are just confused’ but
I am only human…
I could use a hand sometimes.”

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immoveable object?

Jaime FilerI’ve always been the rock of my family. When my step-siblings, one by one, stopped talking to my mom, and I became the liaison between them and my dad. When my dad passed away, and I became my mom’s best friend, forgoing the role of daughter, so that she could have a new ‘person.’ When I decided to recover from a 10-year battle with anorexia, and opted not to seek the help of professionals because I was too stubborn to ask. When my mom’s health took a turn, and her bouts of Vertigo started getting more frequent and severe. I stood sturdy and solid. You can’t squeeze water from a stone.  I couldn’t reveal a chink in my armor. I couldn’t show anyone my Achilles heel. I couldn’t tell anyone what my Kryptonite was.

Or maybe I could have, I just chose not to. Maybe all along, I could’ve just asked for help. Or a shoulder to lean on. Or a little affection and attention, which could’ve gone a long way. I was too stubborn to let anyone know I was hurting, and that maybe the rock was starting to crack. I could’ve used a hand back then. Maybe I didn’t know how to ask because it was all I knew – stay strong when no one else is. “In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man.”

I’m over that now. I’m over being strong (unnecessarily) strong. I don’t need to ‘be a man’. I’m SO over being the tough guy 24/7/365. It starts to affect you and your relationships. It starts to make your friends think they can’t go to you with their issues because you have none of your own, so they don’t want to burden you. It makes your mom think she did something wrong, because when she cries, you learned to show no affect. Who wants a life like that? I’m not about it. I want to cry when my heart gets overfull of love and joy. I want to ask my girlfriend to love me harder when I’m having an awful day. I want to complain to my best friends about my work and my girlfriend because they’re my best friends. I want to tell my mom when my heart breaks. I want a life full of vulnerability, but also the pain and love that goes with it.

I’m not made of stone. I’m Only Human.