Vulnerability Confession 2

In Mind, Vulnerable Confessions by BreeLeave a Comment

I was never raised to be simple. I was raised in abundance. An abundance of love, laughter, and things. Lots of things. Nice things. Expensive things. I was blessed enough to be born into a family who could afford to not only live with what we need, but what we wanted as well. I was raised by a man who found obsessions in things. Things that came with a hefty price tag. There were many moments (many many moments) that I felt second best to these things. I wasn’t able to use them for fear that I’d break them, scratch them, or lose them. So I watched with doe eyes on the sidelines and hover over my Dad’s shoulder as he tinkered with whatever new toy he had. As a girl who shares the same OCD, this was hard. Not only because I desperately wanted to learn, but because it built this intense feeling of need for all of these things. Because he loved those things, so if I could get those things I’d feel the love that I was seeking. So when I hit 14 and started working, I instantly would blow the money I was making on the latest and greatest. This has grown into one of the biggest habits and challenges of my life, and the hardest to own up to.

New clothes, new phones, latest laptop, new style of shoes. I was constantly searching for love and contentment in these things without realizing that things will never be what love comes from. Yes, there are things that genuinely add to our existence—and some things that are required for our passions to come to fruition. But the older I grow, the more I realize that love can’t be bought. With the newest thing comes the need for more. We spend money we don’t have on things that occupy a space that at the end of the day will still feel empty unless it’s filled with the love of others.

I’ve tried to detach from the need to find love in a consumer item. It’s been no easy challenge and I still fail more than I’d like to admit. I still battle with the desire to have more.

Repeat after me: things will not make you into the person you so desperately want to be. Experiences, humans, love, connection. Those things will bring you closer to who you truly are.

Lovin’ you more, with less.

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