I AM A SISTER. I AM A DAUGHTER. I AM A TEACHER. I AM A MOTHER. I AM IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN…
And I am with you. I cannot, would not ever want you to be anyone other than yourself. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t find ourselves until way later than one would hope.
It was 2015. I was lost, but in too much of a hurry to care. I had been married to a man for almost ten years, together for almost fifteen. We met in high school, off and on again until my first born, Adisyn. We gained the skills of domesticated life the best we could with a few people in our corner and our minds always on something else. He was finally able to make something of himself outside of his adolescence and I was there to support him through it all. We were married friends. Our second born, Ashlyn had finally started school in 2012 and this was my chance to go back to school. This is when the real separation began. Like many we continued to grow under one roof, but we were no longer growing together. I found myself making plans, lots of plans and like my plans of the past, he was never really there. This story is to be continued in an amazing memoir I plan to eventually write… ; )
Then, I met Leah in one of the most complicated and dark times in both of our lives. We were friends, best friends. I remember wiping away the tears from the end of her four year relationship, meeting for quick lunches to share our day, and laughing at her tinder swipes by night. The stars, planets, and moons were lining up at a not-so-perfect time, but this new found friendship continued to blossom in ways I never even thought possible. One silly drunken night, in our favorite club, we danced right into each other. I danced so hard I fell right into her lips. The kissing hasn’t stopped since. I tried to pull it off for a while and told our friends that “I didn’t even remember what happened that night” and “that nothing was going on”, but eventually the truth surfaced and so did everyone’s true colors.
Here’s the deal… I was never afraid, ashamed, or scared of telling anyone. It just wasn’t the time given I was coming out of a marriage, raising two daughters, fighting custody issues and proving I was fit to think “straight”. In all reality though, do you prefer the roller coasters that go straight or the ones that go up and down and upside down for the most thrilling ride?
While I try to sit back and reflect upon all of this, I kind of forgot I was ever with a man at all. I, also, never realized that it was a woman that I now loved. It was that I fell in love with a human. I was never opposed to the idea, but I don’t think I ever realized it could in fact be a GREAT IDEA. We get so tied up in what things are “supposed” to be like.
So here we are, living in our home, raising our daughters and planning our “I do” for this December! While there is always something to overcome, no matter how big or small your circle may be, never stop being you. I wrestled with the ideas of trying to be inspiring to those that I know have it more difficult than I, but what I have learned over the last few years is that no two stories are the same. There is always pain that you carry which others will never truly be able to understand. The same goes for me. There is a lot that we/I try and block out, or grieve and try desperately to leave it in the past. What we can do is love another, lift one another, stay true to one another and always know that you too deserve to be happy, to be loved and to find your happily ever after.