It All Makes Sense Now…

It All Makes Sense Now…

I wanted to start out by saying that I respect everything you have created and how much you advocate for others. I have been reading your stories for a while now. I started an LGBTQ blog a few years back and I remember when I first saw your page and it was something that I always looked up to and thought that I wanted to be there someday.

For some people, they know that they are gay for their whole lives or at least since they were very little. However, I was a little late to the party. I went to a very large and diverse high school. There were many students from all over the world and with different sexual orientations. I had a few gay friends, however, it was gay men. I never thought anything of it because they were no different, they were just my friends. My senior year in high school one of my closest friends told me that she was dating another girl in our class and came out as bisexual. At first, it was no different. She was still the same friend that I had and it didn’t change anything. All three of us had a class together and I would see them together and see how happy they were. At that point, I had had some boyfriends, but after about a month I would get very annoyed with them and we’d break up. It never felt right to me when I kissed guys and I always preferred to hang out with my friends that were girls. I never really understood why. I would always think that it was because I was young and hadn’t found the “right guy” yet. When I saw my friend and her girlfriend together I noticed that I was a little uncomfortable. This started open my eyes to the fact that I might want that.

I thought there might be something wrong with me. I swore to myself that I was not gay. I could never be with a woman. I just needed to find the right guy that would make me feel “normal”. I suppressed these feelings my entire senior year and tried to focus on school and sports. When I went to college I was busy getting settled and figuring out college life. I had met some new friends and started to get used to life away from home. There was this girl that was friends with someone in my dorm. She was a lesbian and would come around several times to hang out with my neighbor. We eventually all started hanging out and became friends. I started to feel very excited when I knew she was coming over or was always looking forward to her next visit. I still struggled with the fact that I might be gay because I never thought I was strong enough to be out and proud. I started talking to her more and more and we got closer. I eventually told her my feelings and we took things very slow. At that point, I had come out to my roommate. I didn’t say that I was gay or bi. I just said that I had feelings for this girl and I wanted to see where it went. In the end, the relationship did not work out and when I realized that I didn’t like her that way, I lied and told her that I was actually straight. I couldn’t be with a woman.

After that, I ended up focusing on school for the next four years and never dated anyone, guys or girls. My senior year in college one of my roommates organized and performed in a drag show. She begged me to join because she thought I would really enjoy it and it was my senior year, so why not? I grudgingly agreed. When rehearsing and hanging out with all the other cast, I met this girl that I found very interesting. I had the same feelings I had with the first girl, but it was different because I actually wanted to act on those feelings. I started to find ways to hang out with her more and more. Eventually we started dating. During this time, I lived with three of my closest friends and I thought that I should tell them since she would be coming around a lot more. I told them all and they were amazing! They all told me that they were happy as long as I was. Things started to get serious with her right before I planned to go home for spring break. I decided that this was the time I needed to tell my family because I wanted to move forward with her. I remember my mom and I were driving around running errands. We started talking about school and the upcoming drag show I was performing in. I started to feel my heart pound and my palms were sweating profusely. I told my mom that I needed to tell her something. “I have been seeing someone from the show”, I took a deep breath and said “it’s a girl”. My mom didn’t really say anything to me right away. I told her that I didn’t think I was a lesbian, but I was bisexual. I mainly said that to ease the blow for my mom. This is not to disrespect anyone who is bisexual. I was still figuring out who I was and I wasn’t sure how I identified. She had always envisioned me marrying a man, walking down the aisle in a huge white dress, and having multiple children. After I told her a little more, her response was, “it’s not that I am disappointed”.

I had no idea what to say. I explained more about how I have been feeling and she asked me what she was going to do if people at her work found out. She said that she was not sure she could “defend me” to her clients or coworkers. After that we sort of stopped talking about it and I went back to school and continued getting to know this girl. I later found out that my mom cried one night talking with my stepdad. She said that I couldn’t have what she had been dreaming of for me all those years. I crushed her. My stepdad looked at her and said, “What are you talking about? She can have everything that you have wanted for her. The only thing that will be different is it will be a woman at the end of the aisle”. My mom slowly started to come around and I brought my girlfriend home to meet them. My mom was nice and started to become more accepting. My mom grew up in a very religious conservative family, went to church multiple times a week, and is from a very small town. There were almost no gay people. My mom is not religious due to how she grew up. But when you grow up with certain viewpoints about your daughter and her fairy tale wedding/life, it can be hard to change.

I dated my girlfriend for about 8 months before I realized how toxic of a relationship it actually was. She was very manipulative, abusive, possessive, and demeaning. I got the courage to get out of that relationship. I graduated college and moved back home. I got a job at a daycare and things were starting to look up. At this daycare is where I met my now wife. She has been there for me through so much and been so patient, understanding, and supportive. My entire family fell in love with her and was excited for our upcoming wedding. After the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, I had my groomsmaids (this was what we called our “bridesmaids” and we called my wives bridesmen), stay the night to help me get ready for the wedding. That night my mom and I were talking. She told me that while she was in rehearsal and walking me down the aisle, she had a realization. She told me that I could still have that “fairy tale wedding”. She saw how happy my wife has made me and how proud she was of me. It took a little while, it didn’t help that she hated my first girlfriend, but she has become so supportive and has/will defend me to anyone she knows and even complete strangers. It has taken me a while to come around and become comfortable with who I am, but I am so proud to be with my wife and I am extremely proud to call myself a lesbian!

This story was shared by a human named Emily

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