Owning my truth
For 39 years of my life I have lived to please others. Try to be that guy that was funny, successful and looking to be accepted and loved. I have also lived with a deep secret. I’ve loved many women, but I also have loved men. Yes, you read that right. I’m a bisexual married man.
I attempted suicide a year ago because I just couldn’t understand the feelings I had and never wanted any of them. I seriously questioned whether or not I was gay, curious or bi. Society told me you can’t really be both so you must be gay. That never sat well with me as I genuinely loved women, but I equally loved men. How could this be?!? The guilt and shame I’ve hidden for so long finally caught up to me and decided it would be better to leave and let everyone move on with their lives. How could a bisexual married man live a life that was accepted by others? I couldn’t do that to my wife or my children.
My attempt didn’t work, but now I had to come clean with my hidden truth. Although she knew prior to getting married about me questioning my sexuality, I tried hard to hide it and thought “it was a phase”. When I went to church I would pray God would take my desires away. I had hoped a pill would come out so I could take that and cure it away. I never wanted any of this. I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to be attracted to the same sex. I have a beautiful wife who I’ve been in love with for 21 years. As the pain of the secret increases you realize that either you come clean or allow it to take over. I almost allowed it to take over.
So now I stand here as an openly bi man. Finding my way in this new, non-traditional identity. Declaring myself as someone that was no different prior to reading this, but I know damn well that I will be judged, people will talk, question and ridicule me. They may think “how could you do this to your wife?”. I’m learning that I don’t have to explain myself, but I’m here to tell you all I’m no one different. My wife accepts me as I am and continues to walk this path with me. If she wanted to leave, she would. But our love for each other is endless. Our traditions have changed, who knows what can happen moving forward. One thing remains is our deep love for each other and love doesn’t have to be confined. It can flourish. I’m making the change to love me for exactly who I am. I’m here to make a stand and say I’m here. I’m an ally to all you men and woman that are in the same place. Openly or hidden, I hear you. I’m there with you and this life is too damn short to hide from our truth. But I’m scared. Humans can be very hurtful. But we give too much to others. My goal is to care less about the external and devote to my internal needs.
You’ve all seen me post about “Much Love” and “Love is Love” and now it’s time for me to be open about what that truly means.
I’m terrified. I’m scared. I’m nervous about what my future holds based on our societal expectations. I’m blessed with my family and friends that I’ve come out to over the last year. They have shown me that regardless of who I am they love me for exactly who I am. They believe in the love Shauna and I share together.
Being apart of the LGBTQ community isn’t trendy. It isn’t something to take lightly. It’s a developed group of people that don’t fit what society expects and because of that more and more are feeling safe to come forward to own their truth. Or to join as an ally and realize that humans are humans. And love is love. It doesn’t have to look like what we have been told passed down by generations. You get to live your life as you see works for you. And that is a beautiful thing.
You may choose to reach out and ask questions. I will not tolerate hate or disrespect towards myself or my family. If you don’t like what you know about my truth, then remove me from your feeds. Take your business elsewhere and live your life based on your beliefs, but I ask you do not place that upon myself or my family. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through and your hate is not welcome.
To those that continue to see me as the same guy that loves all humans, works hard and dedicated to my craft, a loyal friend, and as someone who wants the best in others, thank you for your love and support. I’m the same ole me. Just living my truth. Choosing to be free.
Leave a comment