What keeps me up at night

So a while ago I was in a relationship with someone I loved very much and whom I still love today. Well the time we dated she wasn’t in a really good state mentally. I knew she was hurting herself when she wasn’t feeling well and I always felt a little scared she would hurt herself so bad that nobody could fix it. So when she told me on New Years that she didn’t really care whether she was alive or not, I flew home and held her for a few days. We looked for a new psychiatrist who would take her more seriously and I was just by her side for a little time. After she told me she could handle her feelings by seeing a new therapist and knowing she had me by her side, I flew back home for work. A month later she *texted* me, that she tried to kill herself by cutting her wrist. She instantly wrote me that she knew now that she wasn’t able to do it actually and that she knew from that moment that she wanted to live.

We’ve dated for a few more month before I ended it. We’ve always been having stupid fights and knew that we weren’t good for each other. But I will never forget the moment I read the text where she told me she nearly committed suicide. I’m pretty sure I lost a bit of myself in that moment, when the person I loved unconditionally and who loved me back texted me she tried to kill herself. She’s better now (mentally) and I never said I wasn’t guilty that our relationship didn’t last. But to this day I still find myself crying in my bed over this day in February when she tried to end her life. I’ve never seen her as the guilty one but I saw and still see myself as guilty. I asked myself a lot, what person I am, if the people who love me cannot ask me for help in time of crises.

It took me a while to figure out that I cannot be present for any person I love 24/7. But I make sure now to ask my loved ones how they’re really feeling, I make sure that I listen deeply and to always be by their sides in hard times. You can’t force people to open up to you but you can always show them that you are by their side.

I found out about Only Human by following Beck_Gay on IG. Seeing her feeds and reading about her loss and how she dealt with it and turned it in something so beautiful gave me a lot of hope.

As someone who is struggling with a lot of dark days, guilt, self harm and experiences with almost losing a loved one to suicide, I am happy to pinky promise to stay;

To all the beautiful humans who created this safe space and the thought of Only Human: I couldn’t be more proud that people like you exist!

All love, Marie

Story submitted by Marie.