When everything crumbled; I decided to stay
Yesterday I was suppose to be celebrating the most important day of my life. A year. A year of learning, laughing and growing and reminding myself that I followed my heart and what it wanted from the beginning. Yesterday, wasn’t suppose to be about learning my self-worth, or why the shittiest things happen to the people who love whole heartedly; it was just suppose to be about celebration. Celebration with our friends and loved ones. These last couple months taught me that a person’s mental health is so important. Yet again I was being tested with my life. I remember going through the years feeling like there was something always missing in my life, even though from the outside so many people told me my life looked so much together. I’m not quite sure exactly what I was missing; at times I felt confidence, at others I felt optimism. But maybe it was just happiness in general. I saw everyone around me start to have that, and I asked myself when was I going to find it.
I finally went with my gut and found that happiness within someone. Someone who brought out the absolute best in me, even on my shittiest days. The person who made fun of me for fucking up speaking, constantly on the daily but it didn’t make me mad, I laughed along with her. The person I can spend sitting on the couch with for hours, just watching sports and not worry about all the things that could come crashing down around us. It didn’t matter, because we mattered together. But also It didn’t matter because our family and friends loved us.
I finally found validation and self-worth because of her. Well just when I thought my world was going perfectly and right. No fighting about anything, finally making future endeavors to move, and build our family of little pets. My world started to crumble. Frantically, and dramatically. I didn’t know why this was happening to me. My mental health was deteriorating yet again. I started to pick out every single flaw about me. Is this because I wasn’t good enough. Did I not love her hard enough. Was I not beautiful anymore. Why is this happening to me. I just felt like I didn’t belong here anymore.
My happiness, the person who made me feel safe and showed me respect constantly and that I loved with every being in me. The one I couldn’t see my life without. Walked away. & here I am still wondering why someone so important to me. Someone who I’d give the world for, gave up so quickly on me, after years of growing and flourishing together.
Some days I still feel this dark cloud, creeping over my head and it’s so uncontrollably hard to get rid of. But I’ve had to remember I have to stay. There is more to this.
I know many people have reached out to me, and I thank every single one of you from the bottom of my heart.
If you have time please listen to this song, Work by Kane Brown. The last month, almost every single time I get in my car this song is on. Just reminding you, that it’s not easy. You have to make it work. If you see this, just know I don’t hate you. I’m incredibly hurt, and have cried for hours and days on end. But even with all that happened, I just wasn’t brought up to be cruel. If I could take back anything to make you not leave; I would. Know you made me grow, if i needed this time for me to see that, I understand. Know I would have done anything, for you. I would have made it work. I would have done anything, to show you I was not only living for you, but living for a better us. Because we both deserved that much. I know I didn’t ask for this, but that didn’t matter because I’ll always see the good and I will always love you. From the bottom of my heart. My goal was to show you, you can be so loved. I promised, wherever we were I’d be there. Even on the shittiest days.
Mental health is a real thing guys. I’m living proof today and everyday that if no one has said it to you lately. It will be okay, it will take some work. You can’t skip chapters in life, and even though full heartedly I wish this chapter never happened, I can’t change it. If you’re struggling, you are NOT alone. Once you acknowledge the dark parts, it will maybe start to get better as you let it. Everyone has a story, be an ear to listen. And please for the love of god, do not speak on other people’s stories if you don’t know the facts, because you are just causing more turmoil for them. Just stay out of it.
Story submitted by Dell.
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